My Mask

I wear a mask. The mask of a mother who may not have it all together, but at least knows which direction she is leading her children. A mask that creates the illusion of adulthood, maturity and responsibility. With six children people assume that you are responsible, especially because they are all well behaved (for the most part) and they seem to lead normal regular everyday lives.

My mask is hiding me. The true self that lies beneath my identity as a mother. I am a fraud. A character is someone else's play. This is not my life. This is not me. I don't think I even know who I am, but I know that this person others see can't possibly be who I've grown into.

I know a few things to be true. That I am fierce, determined and stubborn. I am strong and sure that I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. The same kindness and respect I give to anyone else. I worry. Alot. I worry about money,  my future as a mother and if I am doing everything that I can to make sure that my children grow into healthy respectful successful happy people. I worry that I have chosen the wrong path for myself, and that I continually let events lead me rather than my own intuition and goals. I worry that my goals are too small to be worth the effort or far too big and completely out of the realm of possibility.

As I grow older I see more and more of what makes me unique slip away into muddy memories of who I used to be. Isn't it odd that I had a stronger sense of self when I was 21 than I seem to have at 33. I am terrified that I am wasting this life and wasting my time on all the wrong things.

What I am certain of is that I don't want to lead my children into their adulthood thinking that it's okay to take a backseat to their own lives. I don't want them to think it's okay to settle for what is right in front of them when something far more fulfilling is just around the corner. With that said, I don't want to have the opposite affect on them and have them miss every opportunity just because the grass may be greener on the other side, wasting their youth on waiting for something better.

I am lost, and I have absolutely no idea how to dig my way out of this funk that I seem to wallowing in lately. I am spending so much energy beating a dead horse when all I want to do is move past today, let go of yesterday and accept what has come and gone. I want to move forward. I want to play with my kids outside in the sun and enjoy the time I have with them while I'm home. I want to get off my butt and work around the house. I want to finish a project, ANY project! Just one project in the house from start to finish and sit back and be proud. I want to stop crying. I want to feel strong again. I need to move on.

My mask is thinning and people are beginning to see in. They're going to find out that it's the blind leading the blind in here and someones going to step in and take it all away from me. Someones going find out that I'm a fraud. I just hope it's not one of my kids.