Age is Just a Number?

I was rocking my tiniest to sleep tonight when I began to ponder the births of my other little babies. I had my first when I was 20. I might as well have been 15. I knew nothing about responsibility and patience and putting someone else's needs before my own. Growing up we were, how can I put this, without alot of things, broke, poor, destitute. (Okay so I know exactly how to put it!) We didn't know that we didn't have what everyone else had. We had no idea that we had any less than our friends or family. I have my mom to thank for that. She had a way about her that kept us all feeling safe and cared for, no matter what was or wasn't in the fridge.

I had my second baby at the age of 22. I had a bit more clarity on the whole mothering thing, but looking back on it now, I am amazed that I made it through.

I had my third when I was 26 and my fourth and fifth at 27. Now came the growth. With two small children you can still occasionally leave the house if you are lucky enough to have family who is willing to help out. I still had an identity that lived outside of my home life. It was almost like having two lives really. At home I was a mom, responsible and reliable. At work I was fun, outgoing and spirited. Anyone who knew me from work was always surprised to see me in "mommy mode".

After having my twins, my third baby was still just a baby at 11months. So much I just cannot remember. I joke and say that I've blocked it out. Having an infant now makes me wonder just how the hell I managed. We lived in a very small condo; two bedrooms, one very small bathroom, a living room with a funny little kitchenette off to end of it and no backyard whatsoever. My two older children shared a room, and my three small ones shared the other. Hubby and I shared a pullout sofa in the living room. We didn't have a vehicle at the time, but we still managed to get around, although not that often.

So my train of thoughts tonight have left me wondering how did we do it? I knew so little, and had so little. Those poor babies! How could I have thought for even a moment that I was capable of being a mother? To be the one person that is that babies everything. Everything that this child is going to need has to come from me. If she is ever sick, or sad, or lost, I have to make it better. I have to make sure that she has no idea that we have so little. I have to make sure that she never wants for anything even when there isn't much in the fridge. My babies all have to grow into adulthood feeling like their mother did everything she could for them. My oldest is going to be 13 in a few weeks. It scares me to think that I didn't do enough. I wonder what they think...

I am now 33, I have six children, a husband, a home and a few cars, only two of which actually work. I am so lucky that my children are as wonderful as they are. I am so lucky that they turned out to be the people they are. I am so lucky that I have so many more years to enjoy them, love them, watch them grow and create families of their own. How amazing it is to be a mom, especially to these six incredible babies.